AT THE CENTER: SELF

Hello, Everyone! I haven't blogged in a while, so I hope you're pleasantly surprised to find this post. I have been overwhelmed as usual these days. Keep in mind, I'm never overwhelmed with the typical suffocations of the average person; I still don't have a job and I don't have a ton of appointments to reach or anything. No, my days remain filled with very serene moments that have fortunately allowed me time to draw and ponder away endlessly (oh, and watch boxed set after boxed set of Mystery Science Theater 3000 DVDs.) I am not taking my "time off" for granted and I've managed to stay in good health, eat well, and maintain a relatively positive comportment. During my pseudo-spiritual quest I have absorbed much about my friends personalities in comparison and contrast to my own personality and I've come to a temporary conclusion that we're all selfish and self-centered in our own ways. To not come off as insulting or debasing I will have to clarify my observation with an example of conversation from last night between my friends and me.

My friend Joe had stated that he feels like he upholds the true definition of being a nihilist. He doesn't care about the politics of life or really much at all. Aside from his bleak vision, he's very intelligent and can make very poignant observations about how things work. It seems as though in order to function as a nihilist you must point out who the fools are and avoid being played as a fool at the same time... by those same fools who greatly outnumber you. Yes, Joe is rooting for the great cosmic catastrophes to catch up with mankind and add a little perspective to our goofy daily dawdling obligations (say that 10 times fast.) I can't blame him for bearing a sinister yet blithe smirk while realizing how much he couldn't care less.

My other friend John proudly pounded his fist on the table to enter the schism, sat up straight and proclaimed that he knows what is right and what is wrong. He's very sure of what his responsibilities are in life and he holds onto it all quite dearly. John is kind of an emotional scrap-booker, an historian, and innately old-fashioned. I pointed my finger first at him to bestow the accolade/accusation of being self centered. I saw his personality as stubborn; kicking and screaming into the future and unswayed by temptation or opposing theories. Joe helped convince John of being self centered, and I then reminded Joe of his own claim to be the only real nihilist he knew of. To assume you are the only one of something, that sounds pretty self centered indeed!

The three of us do get along very well though, and sometimes our dynamic works entirely on the fact that we're so different from each other. I'm, at my best, a Devil's advocate who refuses to be labeled as Agnostic. I'm often hypocritical and I don't usually have the patience to study any of the subjects I find interesting. Excitability rounded off by a little stoicism keeps me foolishly wishing on shooting stars.

Joe, John, and I can all agree that we are somewhat certain that our individual life experiences radiate and concentrate with ourselves at the center, and that we are each a part of the other's unique experience. Why then shouldn't we be selfish and self centered? Even if our forms of compassion change, or our ideals are influenced into new realms of understanding, we always rely on our personal truths to provide us with some sort of reality. Maybe this behavior is the default interface between the human mind and what we call sanity. Maybe there is a powerful collective consciousness yet to be tapped into. Maybe we're all just jerks who share a laugh every now and then. Who knows? Some of us don't care at all. Some of us are certain there is a reason to care. Some of us will just keep dreaming.