Today is approximately day 5 of recovering from having the flu. There were two really strong days of chills, body aches, sinus problems and a deep cough (cough still persisting DAMN IT!) Now I'm just afraid to go outside in the 'perfect for getting sick again'-rainy gross weather. My immune system has not been strong this past winter and I'm not quite sure why. I exercise regularly and I eat healthy foods. I have a moderately active life walking to and from work and running back and forth at work for 8 hours. Could it be lingering stress?
My life is great and I generally don't make it through a day without laughing and smiling. Good things happen to me often enough that I'm really being somewhat rude if I ever allow some dark areas of my life to overshadow the light. The gloomiest corners of my mind are host to ridiculous things like jealously and bitterness. I'm Jealous and bitter that friends have more artistic success or liberties than I have. My own "lack of success" being of my own design, of course. I also worry that I've not yet graduated to an honest "adult" status since I often can't/don't pay my bills! Yet here I sit in front of my computer not doing much to change my life, and instead I pitifully reflect in hopes to gain some sympathy(?)
My girlfriend is also considering a job in New York, and the place of potential employment has had her on stand-by for months now since her first interview. Will we be moving to New York soon? Can I afford it? Will I miserably fail my own girlfriend with my lack of preparation for such a move? and why have I been asking myself this for months and am not looking for more work to afford such a change? Do I even deserve the good life that I have? Am I actually a baby? ... and so on...
Of course my girlfriend tells me not to worry, and my parents tell me I impress them with my independence; but, what do I think about me? I know I can be impressive and confident, but I have pretty high standards for myself, and when those standards are not met, I guess I simply stop trying sometimes. Then my will power gives out a little, and my finances shrink, and my confidence glazes over, and then stress surfaces and illness finds me and I want to hide under the covers.
Tomorrow I will remove the covers and go back to work after missing 3 days. I will be catching up on production all the while mindfully monitoring the congestion in my chest. If I'm so good at reminding myself to keep my chin up and look forward, then what piece of the puzzle am I missing that could really take me there... Up and out... *cough*
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